I’ve always wanted to be a mom. It’s been my calling for as long as I can remember. So the fact that I was sure that teaching was tied to my identity makes me question what I was thinking throughout my pregnancy. We moved to NJ in the summer so come fall I did not find myself in a classroom, as I had been for several previous years. The lack of structure, predictability and routine really mixed my world up. Throw in raging pregnancy hormones and you’ve got one determined mother to be on the brink of losing her shit. I wasn’t in control. I didn’t have a job that I knew inside and out, I was experiencing something new with my body every morning, and I was living in my parents’  basement. Granted, my parents took very good care of us but I couldn’t see passed our immediate future and bringing a baby home to a basement seemed like a really bad idea. The fact that my life wasn’t going according to the plan I had envisioned, college, marriage, career, house, baby, and I wasn’t in control of things, really messed with my mind. I had to be in control. Most of my life I had made really smart decisions and followed through on my dreams and plans. This point in my life, however, my need for control came at any cost. I drove my husband nuts. If it wasn’t for his commitment and unchanging love for me, I am sure my craziness would’ve pushed him away. I couldn’t focus on anything but my pregnancy and our lack of what I knew to be stability, financial and otherwise. I wouldn’t let my husband take care of things, not because I knew best but because I needed to see, to feel, that things were happening. I need to have a plan and see that plan all the way through.

Fast forward about a year and I am happy to be sharing a bed with my almost 8 month old as I write this while my husband is playing music with friends. Fortunately, the fog has started to clear. Now I see that moving back down south may not have been the smartest idea. We have a happy, healthy baby which I know in my heart is the only thing that really matters. We are financially stable, which I like that I can check off my list but being financially stable and being in control come at a huge cost. I let family fall down my list of priorities, as if I didn’t really need them to be in control of things. Oh was I wrong. As soon as I gave birth my identity was consumed by motherhood, rightfully so and the way I wanted it to be. I’ve been back at work for almost 3 months now and my teacher identity, although still there, does not carry nearly (if any) weight at all in who I am as a person and what I value in my life. Everyone keeps telling me that it is ok to be both a mom and a teacher, to work outside of the home. I am not saying one way is the best way for everyone but I do know what is best for my family. Although knowing and doing are two very different concepts. My husband simply asked me, “Are you not capable of doing both, be a mom and a teacher?” I had to really think about this before I answered him because I have been struggling at work. The answer is no, I can’t do both. Some moms can and I commend them for their ability to be mentally and physically available to work and raise a baby. It is not easy to admit this but I am not able and I refuse to do anything without my best effort. I really think that teaching needs to be put on hold. Not because mothering can’t be but because I don’t want myself as a mother to suffer. My son won’t be an infant forever and there will be a time when I know preschool will be able to do things for him that I can’t but now is not that time.

So here we are, back in Atlanta so I could pursue both motherhood and teaching. Here’s the catch, I don’t want to do both right now. I want to be a great mom and wife. That may not seem like much and some may think I am losing myself to my family but I see it as standing up for my family in a whole different way. Now I am just tasked with how to approach this new found identity.

Edit–

It’s been 4 months since I wrote this post. I’ve allowed 4 months to pass without writing. I’ve been teaching and being a mom to a now mobile, I refuse to call toddler, 12 month old boy. Life has been flying– work has been really great. I now have Fridays off, an assistant teacher, and my students are captivated with their learning. Thankfully, my son is enjoying preschool and my husband gets home in time for dinner and bath about twice a week.

Here’s the kicker.. Our path was becoming smoother. We were settling into our new home nicely and making plans for the future here in Atlanta. All was going well, the boat was steady. Then I had my goals meeting with my boss..